A Good Deed

A man died and was met at the pearly gates of Heaven by St. Peter himself.

St. Peter says to him, “Before you meet with God, I must tell you, we’ve looked over your life and noticed that you didn’t really do anything particularly good or bad. We’re not sure what to do with you. Can you tell us anything good that you did to help us make the decision to give you entry into heaven?

The newly arrived soul thought for a moment and said, “Yeah, once I was driving home and noticed a little old lady who was being harassed by a group of thugs in an alleyway. So I pulled over and went up to the leader of the thugs. He was a big, muscular guy with a ring pierced through his lip. Well, I tore the ring out of his lip, and told him he and his gang had better stop bothering this lady or they would have to deal with me!”

St. Peter’s eyes grew large and he looked impressed. “Wow, that’s amazing,” he said. “When did this happen?”

“About three minutes ago,” said the man.

Scarecrow

Two crows were in a field when they noticed a figure that looked like a man in the distance.

“See that over there? What is that?” says the first crow.

The second crows takes a long look, “That’s a scarecrow. Looks authentic, doesn’t it.”

“How can you tell it’s a scarecrow and not a person?” replies the first crow.

“Look at it’s hand. No cellphone,” says the second crow.

Short Ones

— I decided to get a vasectomy because I was done having kids. But mine didn’t work. I came home and the kids were still there.

—It’s my wife’s birthday next week and she’s been leaving jewelry catalogs all over our house. So I got her a magazine rack.

—As you get older, three things happen. First, your memory goes. I can’t remember the other two.

—The best vitamin for making friends: B1.